Jax – Day 30
This is such a crazy wonderful feeling – to be done the 30 Day Challenge. I guess you’d think I’d be craving a day off – nope. I’ve no plans for that. Keri has also decided to go to 60, along with a handful of others which is so awesome! All of us are women by the way, strong women.
Blogging is harder than expected. It’s hard to share sometimes – and amazing to read Keri’s blogs – so inspiring. I might carry on with the blogging , deciding that later today.
Day 30 was a great day. I was on front desk and teaching in the morning, then went for some bodywork / massage. Holy god my quads were tight! Then I headed back to the studio, took the 4pm class with Laurel and taught the 6pm class – a full day for sure. Putting the 30th sticker on the wall chart gave me the biggest smiling happy face and filled me with satisfaction. Who knew a little sticker could do that! In the morning I had a chance to have authentic meaningful conversation with a student – thank you Wally. These precious moments when I can listen and share make life special. It could be just 2 or 3 minutes, it doesn’t matter how long, a feeling is created of knowing, of belonging. There is a connection that is truly divine. I feel closer to my heart after these 30 days. It feels easier to laugh, to cry, to hug and to give of myself. It feels easier to say “I am sorry” and to smile and listen and be out of my own head. It has stirred the pond very well. Deciding to go to 60 was easy because of the shift in consciousness of breath I am experiencing. I want to focus on this now – daily, and to be part of this group of women that are ready to commit to 60 Days! You ladies rock! I appreciate my life more now. Thank you Bikram – for your unwavering commitment to your guru Bishnu Ghosh. You have lead me deeper into myself to see the good, the bad and the ugly – and to move further towards self-realisation. I raise my water bottle in a toast to all my fellow challengers – to commitment and follow through, and to us – CHEERS!
Jax – Day 29
My house is getting pretty messy and the paperwork is starting to pile up. Today I found something in my car that I can’t identify. This happens when I do a challenge, I know that going in. Yesterday I spent the day doing yoga and listening to Jim Kallett share with us on what it means to teach a Bikram Yoga class and to be a Bikram Yoga teacher. It was great to see familiar faces and meet teachers from other places for the first time. Jim’s words put many things to rest for me that I have been curious about as a teacher. I have a new sense of freedom about everything. Thanks Jim!
Last night after all yesterday’s yoga I was very sore in the hips and lower spine. I thought today my body would be tight and stiff in class. Was I wrong! I felt strong and flexible in today’s class ( too much thinking again) I taught the 9:30 & 11:30 double and then came back to take the 5pm class. It was very hot and humid and my body opened up and surrendered to the postures. I have decided I am going to 60 and doing the next challenge as well. Commuting on the bike is adding strength to my core and leg muscles. My leg muscles have missed running and are loving the extra exercise they get cycling. The last 29 days have been amazing and I am proud of all of us challengers. I used to be very concerned about what others would think of me. It got in the way of me living an authentic life. Once in a while I fall into that trap now but I notice it and then I can snap out of it. Life is too short to worry about what others think! Life is too precious to live for someone else. Jim reminded me that we are vast and that our bodies are spacious, liquid, fluid and ever changing.
Some of my postures seem exactly the same as 29 days ago, and others have changed significantly. My foot is improving. I have no idea what happened, it’s one of those crazy yoga things. I trust the yoga will take care of things, show up for class, and 9 times out of 10, it does. Tomorrow I am going for massage as a reward for finishing 30 days of hot yoga, and I can’t wait!
Day 28 – Keri
What a gorgeous weekend – sunny skies, hot yoga, first bbq on my new bbq, handing in my first assignment in Organizational Behaviour. What more could I ask for?
My last two classes were amazing. My body was doing what it needed to do and my brain was listening to the teachers not itself. I am finding that the more I do yoga the less I am expecting from myself therefore the more I can accomplish. If you set the bar low to mid range, you will succeed and amaze yourself. If you set it too high, you are just sabotaging yourself. That is something that I have done for a big majority of my life…sometimes it’s easier to fail than it is to succeed. People begin to expect less from you and you expect less from yourself as well. You let your monkey mind take over.
I was talking to my friend Cindy on Friday about class and the difficulty I have with looking at myself in the mirror. I have never been able to really really look at myself – I always felt that others would think I was conceited, that I was full of myself, blah blah blah, when in reality I didn’t think I was good enough to really see me. I didn’t want to see what my eyes would tell me. You let your monkey mind take over.
You tell yourself enough times that you can’t do this or can’t do that and you believe it. You are abusing yourself without even realizing it. If a friend was in a bad relationship I would help them get out, I would be there for them but its soooo hard to be there for yourself. It means having to confront your own demons.
I am learning to tell my monkey mind to get off and leave my head space. I am starting to believe that I am okay, that I am pretty, that I am worthy. It’s really actually really hard to type that. Wow….but I did it and I didn’t delete it. Huge sigh!!
Jax – Day 27
Sunshine filled the day today – although I did not take much time out in it. The sunrise was amazing, all pinks and reds. I spent the morning working on the newsletter and writing. I am presently working on the third article in my “Emotional Journey” series. I love to write about topics that interest me. It’s easy for me to get carried away and write for hours until suddenly I feel my body complaining and realize it’s way past break time. The newsletter I must confess is harder to love. I get into it and I don’t know what happens – I somehow go into a black hole with it and have been known to refer to it as newsletter hell! The crazy part is that I do love when I am finished the newsletter and I appreciate having the newsletter…hmmm…sounds like something else I do! I keep faith that eventually, or in the future, when my creativity improves enough – I will be able to state that I enjoy writing the newsletter! Having said that, I may just give the entire thing over to someone else if things don’t start improving, and just write a section of it! For me it can depend on the prospect of the tide changing. I am forever an optimist, at times to the point of blindness.
I’m usually not in the studio on Saturday evenings so it was kinda nice to be there tonight on Day 27. John taught the 4pm and I took his class, then I taught the 6pm and he took my class! That was also kinda nice and not something that happens often. We get to share the experience of teaching and taking in that way. Thanks for class John! I know that you weren’t feeling that well but you did it and you did your best.
In class I am working on my breathing. Can you believe that? You would think that I would have figured it out already right? At my teacher training the director was a fellow named Craig Villani. He was excellent in his role as training director and I retained many of the things he shared with us. He told us one day that it took him 4 years to learn how to breathe normally during the postures. At the time the statement seemed absurd. Now – not so much! I don’t hold my breath, but there is a difference between not holding your breath and breathing normally! Kinda like the difference between placing your forehead on your knee and pushing your forehead into your knee! Anyhow, I am noticing that, in the postures that challenge me (which of course varies day to day) I am not always conscious of the exchange between the inhale and the exhale. And that happens when I am at the ‘edge’ of depth. When I get to that edge the exchange becomes a wee bit frantic. It leads to a tightening in my body. So I am aware of it, but how do I shift it? Again and again it comes down to the breath. The breath is everything. It is, as the old yogi said, ‘the light of consciousness’.
I could relate to Craig as a teacher because he came from a place of very little flexibility. If you are not flexible then you will require a lot of patience (me stating the obvious here!) At the start I had little flexibility and less patience! I started this yoga at 40 years of age having had three children and 20 years of running 20 to 30kms a week. I knew all about tight hamstrings, knees, hips, ankles and feet. My ankles and wrists are actually still quite tight. Years of doing deep tissue massage brought deep tension to my wrists, lower arms and fingers. I am really delighted about the way this yoga has helped my body to be comfortable and am happy with the level of flexibility that I have now. For me it’s about staying healthy not becoming bendy-flexy person. Flexible people like to say that it’s harder to gain strength than flexibility – easy to say when you are flexible. I think with daily practice this time around I am learning how to breathe normally at all times. If you could see me right now I am rolling my eyes around – hopefully I will learn to breathe normally before I die!
Day 26 – Keri
Woot woot!! How did it get this far so fast??
I was speaking with John Thursday night after class and he said that usually at the end of a 30 day challenge he is so done and doesn’t do any yoga for a couple of days and then starts to crave it (sorry for the paraphrasing John J ). Wonder if I will have that reaction? I know that most days I look forward to the workout and the heat – while others, not so much as you can tell from some of my posts.
I am on the fence about continuing on to the 60 day. It’s a huge commitment for me with work, school, and sleeping lol. But I am enjoying the changes in me – physically and mentally. It would be interesting to see how far I can go. What do you think?? I know that some of you have said you are going on. I think Jax is. I am enjoying the community that is Bikram Westshore. I was nervous when I first came in but you all made me feel welcome and accepted. No one judges, no one cares that your hair is standing on end. You are you and thats all that matters. Wouldn’t it be nice if everything was like that? But that’s a whole different blog don’tcha know!
Back to yoga and the challenges. I have a number in my head and if I reach that number when I do my shape shifters, then I am going to continue. If I don’t reach it, I will have to do some real thinking. It’s definitely food for thought. It’s scary as hell though.
I have to remember – it’s time to let it go.
Jax – Day 25
I woke up early to finish entering data from last night’s classes because we had a sports team come in so there were dozens of new students. I then went off to have an acupuncture treatment (more on that shortly) and then finished the morning running some errands for the studio. After a quick visit with my sister and my nephew, I did some more work from home and then headed to 4pm yoga class with Bettina. Taking this one meant I could come home and cook dinner – such a treat! Chelsea was on front desk and others were scheduled to teach. I have never appreciated time in my life the way I do now. Every day there is so much to get done, and yet I know that in an instant everything could change. Being in the Bikram community I’ve heard so many stories that others have shared about big life changes that now time is more precious to me. This morning reminded me that it has been quite a while since I ‘lost track of time’. My entire life is scheduled – it has to be that way with the studio.
I discovered a place where I can go and take my time after a treatment – as in fall asleep for 45 minutes and enjoy the stillness – how delightful! Typically you have a treatment then you have to get up and go so the next person can have the room. Imagine my happiness and appreciation at being able to stay for almost an hour in a comfy reclining chair with a blankie and completely lose track of time! Stillpoint Community Acupuncture is sure to become my new hangout! I am thankful to Zita and Joseph for introducing me to this place of peace and healing. I went there hoping to get a bit of relief for my poor right foot. Something shifted for sure and today’s yoga class was slow motion and low energy. I was, and still am tender in spots that received no treatment. My body is in deep detox mode – that is what my gut feeling is. I went into class with no expectations and went from one breath to the next in order to get through the 90 minutes. I felt better after the class, but wiped out. The theme that is presenting itself to me as we come to the end of this 30 days is appreciation. All of you guys that were on the left side of the room today – thanks for helping me get through.
Day 24 – Keri
What a day, what a day…glad it’s over. Not much to say other than
good on all of us for making it this far. Work is kinda strange at
the moment so my brain is in a different space. Hopefully by my blog
on the 26th day I will be more talkative.
Jax – Day 23
This day is so long.
It’s 3:15pm right now and I’ve yet to take class. I taught the 9:30 and then did some work at the studio and now it feels like bedtime. My body feels heavy and oddly my right foot is sore. This is a brand new one. Usually it’s my left side. Today my right big & second toe have been aching along with the inside of my knee and outside hip area. I don’t recall hitting or twisting my foot and I’ve had no falls as of late J. Yesterday the second part of awkward was hell – hope it improves today! I am off to teach the 4pm & take the 6pm and I feel grumpy.
I’m back home, just had some dinner after teaching the 4pm and taking the 6pm with Rachel. Little Miss Grumpy is gone but I’m super tired now! We’ve had lots of beginners, people of all different ages and types and I’ve been thinking about when I first started this yoga. Daily practice has injected new energy and life into my teaching and my practice. This thing with my foot is very weird but things like this used to happen all the time at the beginning. It is now aching but there is no swelling so I remain unconcerned and curious. Awkward pose was painful and toe stand on the right side impossible (I tried though – thanks for smiling at me pathetically as I fell over Rach J). As I was leaving I was mopping a few big sweat puddles and some new students came into the room for the next class. Seeing the shear amount of sweat on the floor, they looked at each other with concern. “Is that sweat?” one asked the other. Then Miles quietly explained how “big” the sweat gets and I chuckled, recalling how my lower legs sweated during my first class, and how freaked out I used to get when other people’s sweat would get on my towel. Teacher training cured me of that. Now I could care less who’s sweat gets where! I’ve been reading about political issues, environmental issues and the like, trying to stay informed and downloading journal publications and reports – much of what I have been reading is depressing. I want to know what is going on, yet a part of me would prefer to stick my head in the sand and stay oblivious. That is another thing I love about the yoga – it empowers me personally, keeps me down to earth and grounds me. It helps me to find a way to be happy.
This morning there was this high energy guy acting crazy just outside the yoga studio (we get this sometimes as well as the odd chicken wandering through the studio) – freaking people out a little bit. Kat suggested I call the police, Sarah suggested that since it is not illegal yet to be weird, calling the police was not necessary. Good thing – I am free for another day!
Day 22 – Keri
I was walking home today telling myself all the reasons not to go to class….you’re so tired, you have to work on your assignment for school, wouldn’t it be nice to have a nice dinner on time, blah, blah, blah. So the first thing I did when I walked in the door was change in to my yoga gear. I find that if I am in my gear, it’s pretty silly not to go to class. So away I went. But even on the drive and all the way into the studio, I was trying to talk myself out of class. I decided I was going to go and just lay there – not do anything! I changed my normal spot as well….went to the other side of the room away from the mirrors. Then Jax started teaching and I let my mind go. I had great success with the pranayama breathing – figured out what I was doing wrong. On the exhale I was pushing all my air out on the count of 1…duh! No wonder I was freaking by the 5 count!!!! And my class just got better from there. I didn’t anticipate, didn’t over think I just listened and did what I was told. I tried to block everyone and everything other than the sound of Jax’s words out. I didn’t worry about the yogi in front of me rearranging their costume or the traffic lights outside. I just tried to concentrate on my breathing and my postures. I smiled at myself when I was posing; I smiled at myself when I was in savasana. And before I knew it class was over.
I had spoken to Jax and Rachel on my way in, complaining I was ‘off’ today and didn’t really want to be here…after class I had to sheepishly tell Jax that I had the BEST class ever!!!! Maybe I should try and talk myself out of class more often
Eight days left. Anyone thinking of continuing on to the 60 day challenge? I have been mulling it over in my mind cuz I am enjoying seeing the difference in my mind and my body but man, I would love to take a break and eat what I want when I want. Doing the challenge has made me more conscious what I am eating and when I am eating. Did I eat enough protein before class to fuel me? Did I drink enough water? Can I eat this now…I don’t know, what time is it? Those little things that I never would have thought of before starting the challenge. But I am proud of myself.
I am proud of all of us…1 more week and we are golden!
Jax – Day 21
I had most of the day enjoying family time and home time, and even slept in a little! Sometimes my weeks go by and the days seem to run together, but this day felt like a nice relaxing Sunday. My yoga class rocked! There is no other word to describe it. It rocked! John was teaching and I heard him say something in Standing Bow Pose that I’d not heard before about flexion of the spine or something like that – and I took it in. I did exactly what he said to do, when he said to do it and I felt something brand new. Brand spanking new! I have never had the experience of truth for myself in that posture that “if you kick hard enough you can balance forever”. I was beginning to wonder if that was a possibility or just wishful thinking! As Bikram says: “can you believe it?” I felt that if I just kept on kicking I would indeed balance forever. After that posture the class was one big scientific Jacqueline experiment and it was so fun – it was ridiculously fun! I could feel new things all around my right side opening and zinging and pinging and buzzing – it was work, but the stuff I was feeling – exciting! For once I am doing a 30 day challenge ‘the right way’ and trying my best to keep up with the yoga day to day and this approach is really working well for me (some of us are a little slow). The only down side with today’s class was that yesterday Bella accidentally smashed my head with the corner of a locker at the pool and every inversion pose included a pulsing pain sensation to the goose egg on my head. Ha! I’ll take it!
Day 20 – keri
20 days down – 10 more to go. The end is near yet so far away!
Today I had set aside for school work but procrastination is upon me so instead of playing on facebook I am here so that I can feel somewhat productive J
If you have been reading from the start of Jax and I blogging, you will not be surprised that this year for me has been one of self discovery and learning to love me. To find out who Keri is – not as a Mom, wife/ex-wife, daughter, sister but as Keri the being. I remember when my marriage ended 8 years ago and I was seeing the blue sky again (after the shock and hurt started to recede) my Dad took me aside at a family gathering, looked me straight in the eye and said “welcome home little girl.” I was not really sure what he meant, he explained it as the essence of Keri, who I have been all my life was starting to shine again. I wasn’t always putting myself last, melding into my husband’s life, blah blah. I was starting to come out of the Mrs. So-and-so, so-and-so’s wife, so-and-so’s mom shadows. Not that I hadn’t relished in those roles but I had forgotten how to be me. Closure for me was very important and I asked my daughters father (ex-husband to me sounds so harsh so I call him what he is) what had changed. He was very blunt – the confident, self secure, vibrant, strong woman he had fallen in love with had vanished. She had become timid-ish, nagging, sometimes caustic and no fun to be around. Talk about a metaphorical slap in the face. So I had to find Keri again.
I thought I was pretty much recovered, getting me back, raising our daughter and enjoying life while still in the marital home up island. Well, little did I realize that no matter how much you redecorate, how much you paint, reorganize furniture you are still living amongst all the memories you are trying so hard to recover from. I didn’t realize that until I moved back to Victoria last year. Living in a place that was mine, not ours or his. I still had 2 bedrooms in a nice basement suite cuz you never know, right (little bit of sarcasm there). So I was on my own but not really – there was always someone upstairs when I got tired of my own company. It was a great transition. When I moved (again!!) late November into my 1 bedroom apartment – that is when I really really started seeing me again. It’s hard to explain what having my space belong totally to me means but its immense and scary as hell. I can’t run away from me which I have been doing for so long.
This brings me to the 30 day challenge and my reason for doing it. To show myself that the confident, self secure, vibrant, strong Keri is still in there. She just needs to remember how to be. That the good, the bad, the ugly are okay as long as I am true to me and what I believe. That learning is good. Repeating the same mistakes over and over is just plain silly and may deserve a shake or even a finger wagging…lol
Favourite new quote “Its time to let go…(it will be ok)” anonymous
Day 19 – Jax
There is a bright spoon-moon hanging in the sky tonight – a beautiful clear night for a walk. I have just returned home from dinner at Sizzling Tandoor with John and his parents. Derek and Katharine have been practicing this yoga for almost as long as John and I have. I am so thankful for that. This yoga has literally saved Katharine’s life (another story) and for Derek it has kept him mobile and flexible. Just tonight he was pondering what life would have been like if yoga had been a staple during his younger days as a runner and track & field coach. It is such a pleasure to spend time with them. Both of my parents have been gone for a long time. My Dad passed away when I was only 3 years old. My Mom died of cancer several years ago now. I miss her every day. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think of her. I know she is with me in my heart and sometimes I feel her all around me. I believe that we are connected forever.
Perhaps you think this has nothing to do with yoga. For me it is everything. This yoga has forced me to slow down and consider my life and my family and what it is all about. And what is it all about? Honestly I am still a seeker and I don’t know for myself yet what the point of it all is. I know that it doesn’t matter about my mood because life keeps going regardless of how I feel. I know that every second of every day I have the choice to be happy or not. I know that when I choose to be happy and positive everything feels much easier. And – I know that when I am serving others is when I feel the best.
I took class this morning. It was very busy – I love busy classes for many reasons, mostly because it gets really humid and sticky and I pick up the energy of the people around me. I wanted to ride my bike this morning but it was so frosty that my dogs were slipping on the back deck – not a good sign! I’ve had enough falls lately. Anyway it was handy to have the car because I had some errands to run after work. Thank you John for a great hot sweaty class! A very sweet forgetful young man decided to start drilling anchors for the outside awning into the building (yes renos are almost finished!) and I had to get up and ask him to please stop! He said it was 11. I said no – it’s not! One of the things Bikram Yoga has taught me is to respect time and be timely. The world should not have to wait for me! I try my best in class to move with everyone as one. As a teacher I still struggle at times to bring in the class on 90 minutes sharp. I do my best – and that is what I intend to keep doing. I like to think that is what we are all doing
Day 18 – Keri
The difference between classes can be so very different. My #17 class was good – I was able to stay focused, gave my 110% and felt good about me and it. Class #18 – I went in to the hot room feeling great, ready for a good class (I was there so how could it not be a good class J ), and right away I knew it was going to be tough. I had trouble with my pranayama breathing. I couldn’t exhale to the 6 count – my body was resisting. I would get almost the end and my whole body would tense and I would have to take a breath. Then during any of the poses where your hands are over your head starting with standing separate leg stretching pose I lose all my strength and get super dizzy. I think this may be due to poor circulation (?) but it continues on until the floor series begins. And all during that time, my mind is monkey talking me “you can’t do this, you are too weak, wouldn’t it be so nice to just lay here, it’s nice and cool outside”. And I listened. I believed what I was hearing. I laid there and cried thinking of how I was letting everyone down, what others must be thinking of me blah blah blah. After class I spoke with Jane and Jacqueline and was bolstered to realize I was not alone in my thinking. That I might be looking at my fellow yogis thinking they were so ‘there’, so present, so sure of everything and they might be thinking the same things. The face that we present to others is not necessarily what/who we are. Human beings are such a complex being. We have to look a certain way, act a certain way, be a certain way. For who?????
When I left the room last night, I read a poster on the bulletin board that really struck me. I cannot remember the whole thing off the top of my head but the end line is Life is too short. I have been hearing and seeing this allot lately from totally unrelated situations and I am beginning to wonder if I should take heed. Part of me already is – I quit smoking, eating healthier, lowering my stress, continuing my education and I am here at Bikram Yoga Westshore. I am very blessed to be here and even though I may fight getting to class, once I am here I am glad. I may have a ‘bad’ class but I think I am beginning to accept and acknowledge that there are no bad classes. Your class is what you need it to be. You are okay, no one is judging – no one other than yourself. So be kind to you and love you for you. (sometimes that is easier said than done, my friend)
It’s amazing the power of yoga – it’s not only physical its mental and spiritual as well.
Day 17 – Jax
This blog is a day late. I am seeing my tendency to procrastinate creeping in to my blog. This is somewhat amusing because usually by now I am at least 3 or 4 classes behind in my challenge. This time I am happy to report that I am totally up to date – yay! However the blog is late by one day. My resolve is to write the blog on the day that the blog is to be written until the end of the 30 days.
I took the 7pm class with Bronwyn teaching. It was a long day as I had taught the 6am and 9:30am classes and then had driven to Shawnigan Lake to pick up my granddaughter and take her to swimming lessons. I love love love doing this. We usually go for hot chocolate at Francelli’s after that if she listens and co-operates with the teacher and with me. Yes – it is a hot chocolate bribe! After she went home I did some work on the computer and it started – the monkey mind started – this is how it goes: “you want to stay home, you could stay home, look how dark and wet and cold and windy it is, it would be so nice to stay home and curl up on the couch and read your new book; but you told John that you would take the 7pm with him, but he would understand and you are so tired, but you are on the challenge, but I’m not even a day behind so it’s no big deal I’ll just do a double on the weekend. And it’s so ugly outside and you have been up since 5am”…la la la on and on whine whine! I heard it all and it made me feel kinda sick.
I pulled myself together, got my yoga clothes and headed to class. My body loved the class and it was delightful to be there – although it was a tough class. It’s good to be able to hear the whining.
“Keri -” Day 16 – wow! I honestly cannot believe that I have made it this far and am still mobile! J Honestly I am so proud of myself and all my other challengers. Think of what we have accomplished already!
I have noticed in myself that in some poses I have progressed while in others the total opposite. I am able to do more more easily but others I am attempting to get the posture right so therefore I have slid backwards. But that is to be expected from what I have been told. I have noticed that one of my hardest challenges is to be able to really look at myself – in the eye – in the mirrors. I have avoided that for so long that now I am being forced to confront myself and its hard! You can’t hide. It’s one of the aspects of self-confidence that I am working to achieve. I have noticed that I am also making more eye contact with people I pass on the street instead of looking away. I am a shy person so that is big for me. Although not as big as walking into the studio for the first time in yoga gear!!!
I am looking forward to the next couple of weeks and watching the changes in my body and in my psyche. I am looking forward to the times that I can totally shut my brain off when I walk into the hot room and just let myself be. A friend of mine told me that once she was able to do that, her practice took on a whole other meaning. I repeat ‘let go and be’ over and over to myself before class starts and sometimes I am able to stay in that place – others I am over thinking poses, anticipating the next pose and attempting to talk myself out of them. But with practice and perseverance comes pleasure and pride and joy.
Day 15 – the deepest love. (Jax)
Half way through this challenge already – the days are flying by like one big full locust pose. This relationship with my yoga practice is built on love sweat and tears (very literally) and we are now in our 6th year together.
It was definitely love at first sight, or love at first site! Over the years the relationship has been demanding and I’ve questioned (like so many of my students do) why do I stay? Is it worth the time and effort? It seems there is so much pain. Pain that comes out of me, out of my heart and moves through my body and soul. But that is how the deepest love is. I know that because I am in a deep love relationship with my children and my husband, deep love that spans decades is not easy, but it’s worth it. Sound familiar? There is so much more joy than pain though – perhaps the pain is easier to recall. Now the relationship rests in mutual understanding, trust and respect. I no longer question it, I trust. I no longer make demands of it, instead I put in the time and give and share as much of myself as I can. I shall get back what I need (maybe not what I want). I no longer push my needs onto it and expect it to fulfill my every desire. In deep love relationships that patience is mandatory. You could have a bad day and that’s ok. You could have a bad week or a bad month and that’s harder but still ok. But are you willing to have a bad year? Hmmm…that’s a long time isn’t it? The best year may be the next year but you’ll miss it if you bail.
I took the 7pm class last night with John teaching. Nausea struck again at standing bow pose and lingered throughout my class. I remembered some things that had happened years ago, impressions of troubling life experiences. Day 15 was a deep therapy session that my mind didn’t have to get involved in. I know I will always have the practice. We are as thick as thieves and closer than ever.
Day 12 and 14 – Keri
Sorry about the missed day 12…having computer issues. Classes have been good. I am very surprised at myself – day 14 and only 2 classes behind. Took the 8:00 class with Jacqueline on Saturday and found out a really important lesson – if you have stiff or sore muscles DO NOT put any product like “Heat” on it if you plan on being in the hot room within a week. I pulled my groin/upper thigh muscle walking home from work last week by slipping on some ice. Went to class that night and was a bit sore when I got home so thought I would do some preventative measures…wrong! Even though I had 2 showers between application and class the heat in the hot room reactivated the “Heat” and pain like you would not believe. But after getting a wet face cloth and laying it on my thigh, I soldiered on and finished the class. I learned the hard way. Wow!
Looking forward to the coming week, looking forward to getting into the hot room at BYW. Half way thru and still plugging along. I hope you are all enjoying the challenge as well as reading Jacqueline and my blogs. It’s nice to know that people are actually reading them J
Wasn’t that some wind today! Sorry kinda rambling here so I will end for the night. Be safe.
Day 13 – Jax
This challenge is the best thing I’ve done all year J. My body is happy with daily practice. It seems to be my mind that has been ‘challenged’ so far during the last 13 days. Most of the snow has melted so I rode my bike to the 4pm class. I taught the 8am class today and had set an early alarm to ride in to teach, but I woke up this morning with a wicked headache and decided to take the car instead and revisit riding the bike later. It is a privalidge to have the choice. When I left the house on the bike heading for class in the afternoon it was sunny. The air was cold but clear. And then, seemingly in the blink of an eye, down comes the freezing rain! It gained momentum as I gained momentum and in the end I arrived at the studio completely soaked with sweat on the inside and wet stuff on the outside. I guess my strategy was – the faster I ride the quicker I get there. At the end of the yoga class I was absolutely soaked with sweat head to toe, hair dripping in my face thinking – hmmm, this is just like when I got off the bike! 
I have good control over the ‘clip pedals’ now that I have fallen over several times – ouch! I was told that I would have to develop the ‘body memory’ to get clever with clipping in and out. No kidding! My body remembers all right – remembers falling over again and again well enough now that I don’t have to do it anymore! (I don’t really think that’s what they meant.) Anyway, my yoga practice today was fun and focused and felt easier having had the ride in as a warm up. After class I luxuriated in extra time to hang out and talk to students and to my dear friend Deb, then I rode home. There was still rain and cold, but now my experience of it was fresh and welcoming after yoga! It was exactly the same climate outside but I had changed my mind about it. That is another thing I love about this yoga! How it shifts my mind and my experience of time, space and environment. Now I am sitting by the fire that John has just made, after dinner. My legs and face are tingling and I’m appreciating my health. A nice hot epsom salts bath would be a good right now. Thanks for the class Steve – it was tons of fun
Day 11 – Jax
It is warmer out today – hovering about zero – still way to slick and snowy to ride my bike. Funny, I didn’t even have a bicycle three months ago, and now I am very attached and noticing how I miss it and long to ride it again! (it is winter, so this is a bit strange to everyone I know except teacher Bronwyn and all of the guys at Goldstream Bikes who are clearly fanatic cyclists!). I sure attached to this easily!
I took the 9:30 class this morning with Tori. Can I just say that I love this woman. Oh yes – I can because it’s my blog! She is such a sweetheart. The yoga has brought so many incredible people to my life – like her. Teachers, students and others who live and work in the area of the studio, there are so many people that I would never have met if not for the yoga. That is another thing I love about it!
I took the 9:30 class as it worked best for my schedule. I had a lot of ugly stuff in my head and I found it hard to look at myself in the mirror. Thankfully Rhiannon and Catherine were in front of me and they were both so calm and steady that they did carry me for the first little while. My body got caught up with the ugliness in my mind and combined to make it a challenging (and awfully long!) 90 minutes. But I did let go of most of the junk in my head thankfully. I taught the 6pm and the 8pm classes and if there had been another teacher who was there and wanted to teach I would have happily done a double because I felt that good. I love teaching so it was by no means a distraction – just a thought that if I could, I would.
One of the students made a comment after class that he is “much nicer to be around after yoga”. I have heard this many many times from teachers and students and I too am usually nicer to be around after class. For me the yoga is a touchstone to my heart centre, a way back to my humanity. Bikram says just because you look human doesn’t make you human. I agree with him. Compassion is easy to have when you can relate to another and much harder when there is no common ground. We can honour one another and find common ground in the simple fact that we are all part of the human family. The hot room is the great equalizer. We are all in it together and I take great comfort in that.
Keri Day 10/30
– holy cow how did it become day 10! I was not able to make it a class at BYW today L as I live downtown and did not want to risk the highway once it freezes – walking to work was enough excitement for one day thank you very much. I did however do a 45 minute cardio/aerobic workout…stretched, moved and sweated. It wasn’t nearly as much fun as being in the hot room. Hopefully tomorrow will be better for driving. I feel a double coming on.
As I was walking home today I was reflecting on the fact that for 16 years I lived in Cobble Hill – first with my husband and daughter and then just my daughter. During that time, I commuted to Victoria Monday to Friday (except for every second Monday – flex day J) and thought nothing of it. Driving through the summer – ahhhh! – spring – beautiful – fall – all the leaves changing thru Goldstream and winter – oh, winter – dense fog, pounding rain, occasional sun and then the snow. But that was ‘normal’.
I left home around 6:20am to make it downtown Victoria by 7:35am (on a good day), worked my 7.83 hours and then drove home. My usual get home time was 5:45pm – 11.5 hours a day 9 days every 2 weeks away from home. I didn’t have much of a life. It was sleep, work, daughter, eat, sleep, repeat. But it was ‘normal’. Then my marriage ended, my daughter graduated high school and moved to Victoria and I was still doing the commute.
Now you have to know that as a good Sidney girl, when I was growing up a commute was the ½ hour it took to drive into Victoria and that was looong. And here I was doing this commute.
Needless to say, I made the move back into Victoria, realized the strain and stress I was putting on my body and brain by doing that travelling, and was amazed that I could stay awake past 8:30pm on a nightly basis – bonus! I got a life – met new people, learned that walking to and from work rocks, learned to relax my shoulders (they really don’t belong around your ears – who knew!) and then I was introduced to Bikram yoga and am learning to like me again. Learning that I do not have to be perfect I just have to be happy and at peace with me…this is what I got so love it. (oh, and learning to remember to suck in the stomach when doing forward bends J)
Everyone have a great night and be safe in the snow. It sure is pretty!
Day 9 “Jax” – A holiday. That is what ‘Little Miss Busy’ apparently needs in the end of the book. She had never thought of that. But now – it seems like the most wonderful idea. There is so much to plan and organize that she feels very happy again. (there is an entire series of “Little Miss” books). I feel a strong resistance to comparing myself to her – after all, here I am with my granddaughter reading stories and relaxing. Still I want more. We always want more don’t we? That is at least what it seems to me.
The snow has dusted the mountains and areas around Vancouver and the sun shone today so the city shone as well. Yesterday I went tobogganing – I was running and playing and so comfortable doing it. This is one of the things I love about the yoga. We ran up and down hills and across the fields of snow. Today it is windy and bitter cold. I think I may be addicted to heat! I am missing the hot room so much. Today is a day off for me from the yoga. I have enjoyed the day from start to finish even though parts have been challenging.
My grandson went swimming for the first time today. He loved it! He was a natural water baby. I feel that I’ve had a mini holiday being over here with Vanessa. For a moment I wish I could stay here forever! I love those moments – the dearest ones.
“Keri” – Day 8 – 1 week down and 3 more to go. I attended the 7:00 class tonight and man was it HOT!! It sure felt good though to stretch out the muscles and relax my brain. Not much else happening in my world right now which is nice…easing into the New Year and the start up of school, yoga and returning from holidays. Everyone at work is now back from holidays so starting to get a little busier but not so crazy that you can’t think straight.
You know, as I am driving home from class I have all these cool and interesting things that I am going to write about and once I get in front of the computer – nothing! J Aiming to attend the 6:00 tonight and feel the tension easing.
Have a great day and see you in the hot room.
Keri
Jacqueline: Day 7
This morning I went to Sidney to take the 9am class and then the advanced class at 11am – yet another double! The beginner class was busy with lots of great energy and it was lovely to see familiar faces and yogis that I’ve not seen for a while. Thanks for having me out Wendy and thanks for the class Keir!
Jan Wilson lead the advanced class, which was humbling for me. I did what I could and I did it the right way – so just like the beginner series, I will get the 100% benefit! Last time I did this was prior to my SI injury. My hips were fine, lower back a little sore and tired by the end of it. I attempted most of the postures and watched the few that I can dream of doing and perhaps one day – many moons from now – well who knows! I did my best to get into the set up of the postures and felt excited to be a beginner again and pleased with my body.
Practicing in a different studio gets me out of my comfort zone. With all the different people and scenery I had to frequently remind myself that this is my yoga and to keep focused on myself! I can honestly say that I am going to miss riding my bike and going to yoga tomorrow and Tuesday (I am going to Vancouver to see family). This week has been full of yoga. I stuck to my plan and attended extra classes in order to get ahead on the challenge. Keri helped me the other day when I just did NOT want to do the 6am Thursday class and it was late Wednesday – she said “don’t talk yourself out of it!” and I stopped the inner dialogue – thank you Keri! The best thing is that finally my favourite jeans and cords fit me again (Christmas was a food fest for me) and I’m starting to feel the holiday pounds melting away. Bring on week #2!!
Day 6/30 – keri – (I am late with my blog…it’s actually Sunday morning but shhh don’t tell anyoneJ) I am really amazed at the difference 1 day makes in my body. Thursday (day 4) I had an awesome class, came out feeling on top of a cloud, Friday’s class was okay but Saturday kicked my butt! The after effects are what is killing me right now – my back feels like it’s been thru the wringer – is that normal? Am somewhat nervous about today’s class…
I have had a good first week. Nothing as ‘exciting’ as Jax’s – thank goodness you are relatively unharmedJ – sending healing vibes your way. It was the first week of the challenge, my first week back to work after 3 weeks vacation, was caught up in the ‘banking issues’ that affected so many this week so some of my time was spent dealing with that (fun joy!) and this is my last weekend before school starts again so trying to fit everything thing into 48 hours. I have enjoyed my time in the hot room and find myself looking forward to it – the time when I can stop and be.
Reflecting on week 1 – I am glad I am here; glad I am stronger, glad for the support of BYW. I am proud of myself for getting here and for the tenacity to continue. I know that once school starts it will be more of a challenge between that and work but I will persevere because I am worth it.
Day #5 – Friday the 13th (more Zombie stuff with Jax)
Today’s class was a huge challenge for me. First a little background – last night I road my bike home and accidentally left my keys at the studio. On the way home I had a particularly disturbing incident when a driver cut me off when he made a left turn from Goldstream only Veteran’s Memorial Parkway (heading north). I had to brake hard to not get hit, then I skidded and fell (yet again) on my left hip. Yay. That was not what upset me the most – it was that he did not stop. I got myself off the road to check my gear and felt really sad that he did not stop to see how I was. I know that he saw me. It took me a few blocks to get cozy on my bike again and relax with it all. I held on to ‘trying to understand’. This is one of my stories: that I must understand why everyone does everything they do. More control – oh well at least I am getting a full picture here! This morning John heads out for the studio – we decide to take separate cars as we both have things to do in the afternoon. I go to leave and of course, I have no keys. I search everywhere (John has since located my second set of keys, thank you John) and can’t find them. I call him and ask him to please come and get me and explain that my keys are awol and likely at the studio. Thankfully he is quite gracious considering that I was upset with him earlier for getting smoothie juice splattered literally all over our bathroom sink (which turns into cement when it sits for more than 5 mins, what is up with that?) Sorry John.
I get into the hot room and go to the back and decide to just work really hard. I hear every single thing that John says with one ear on what he has to work on and what he is really progressing with and what was great about his class and what was not great and then go over and over vs what is just my expectation of him and is this even a valid or real expectation or interpretation of the teaching, and why is he saying this and why is he saying and doing that….blah blah blah (see I told you I was crazy) It is game over before it starts. I am exhausted by spine strengthening series.
When the class ends we do a meditation. I chose the loving kindness meditation as one of two that we did today. This was a wonderful experience for me. I let go of the experiences of the class and enjoyed relaxing and allowed my body to completely relax. After 7 classes in 5 days this felt really good! After that my whole day seemed lighter and easier. In the afternoon I was inspired by a young man who came in to talk to someone about taking classes at BYW who had finished an intro a while back. He shared deeply his story of illness with us and it was so amazing to have a connection with someone that I hardly knew. It reminded me the joy I would feel when I was practicing Hellerwork regularly and people that I had just met would share of themselves deeply – it is all about connecting to others and learning to be present. I could see that he wanted to be happy. I believe that the yoga will help him to find deeper happiness. I feel the joy – this is the nature of love. I feel so thankful for my life today – just the way it is.
Day 4 of 30 – wow what a class! I walked out on a cloud. It was great. I was able to attend an earlier class – the 4:00 – and I must say I am enjoying my evening at home doing nothing. I am feeling pretty good considering that I am doing classes every day when I am not used to it. Tired and a bit stiff but I am able to work it out.
Tonight I had an awesome moment in class though – I was able to momentarily touch my forehead to my bent knee in the head to knee pose – yeah me! That is a first and one I have been fighting for. I almost let out a wahoo I was so excited. I was able to grab my feet separately in the bow pose something I have not been able to do before either. I am seeing improvements in my practice after 4 days….let’s see if I can do it again in class tomorrow.
Looking forward to day 5 and what it may bring.
Day 3 – When things change.
I was to have Wednesday ‘off’ from the studio. My one and only scheduled activity was taking my granddaughter to her swim lesson. Then – things changed. I felt the frustration, disappointment, etc. then my good friend Deb (good timing Deb!) called me and I was right in it. She reminded me “we have to go forward Jax”. Such a simple statement! The chance to see how I do change, how I get attached to what I want or ‘think’ I need. Thankfully I have people like Deb in my life who know me well and know what’s important. So the day changed – does that take something away? No. Did I suffer? No. Actually I got to meet some awesome people at yoga in the evening and spend some time with another great friend who came to practice with me! Deb’s reminder to go forward freed me in one breath. Sometimes we all need that reminder.
I took the 7pm class – it was hot and busy. As I gazed into the mirror I noticed my shiny skin, and I thought of Jelena (as I often do) and her peaceful energy – I smiled. By bow pose my strength was gone, could not lift my legs off of the floor first set! Bronwyn gave us a pep talk and second set – oh oh oh – yes are those MY shoulders rotating, opening? How quickly she transformed from wicked-slave-driving-yoga-teacher to angel of my world! By the time I got home it was 10pm and the 6am class was fast approaching. All in all a great day I’d say.
Keri – Day 2/30 –
My schedule for the 30 days is planned out similar to Jacqueline’s…but I don’t have any double classes scheduled – yet! Monday, Wednesday and Fridays I will attend the 7:00pm class; Tuesday and Thursdays the 6:00 pm and Saturday and Sunday I plan on the 10am but will give myself a break if I don’t make it until the afternoon classes.
I attended the 6:00pm class today and learned a very valuable lesson – do not go into yoga when you haven’t eaten for 6 hours. I had a class where I had no strength and no stamina…you know – those classes where you seem to be in savasana more than in pose that was me tonight BUT I stayed in the room for the full 90 minutes and I did what I could when I could. That’s all that matters. Jacqueline said to me after class – that is what you were meant to do today, that’s what your class was to be. I was thinking of that as I was driving home and realized that it makes total sense – I gave 100% and today 100% may not have seemed very productive to the ‘outside world’ but to me and my class it was exactly right.
So what I learned was tomorrow I am going to make sure I have some good protein around 3:30 as I will be attending the 7:00pm class – enough to give me fuel but not enough that it will affect my practice. So that is my learning for the day, I can now go to bed.
Day 1/30 (Jax)
Here’s what I had figured out for the week for taking:
Monday at 7, Tuesday at 6am & 9:30, Wednesday at 7, Thursday at 6am & 9:30, Friday at 9:30, Saturday at 4 and Sunday at 5. Now it’s 9:40pm and if I can get to bed by 10 I will do 6am – I can feel myself caving in already!
Tonight’s class was incredible and I was able to stay with Rachel’s words for the most part. Had Kat on one side and John on the other (so nice) and lots of energy all around me. Apparently I had a weird silver token stuck to the side of me which others thought was supposed to be there – no I don’t normally stick things to me so I’ve no idea, why? I am still really sore from falling over on my bike on the road last night and riding home on a flat tire (gee I thought it felt harder than usual). It feels good to be done Day 1.
The Lead up (by Jacqueline Ellis)
30 Days of sweating is 30 times better than just one day. Making a commitment to the yoga is something I do happily because of my deep love for the yoga. However making a commitment to write about it every day is just plain scary to me! Right away what came to mind was -‐ how can I make it easier? (Bikram is right – always I look for the easy way.) I thought if I could just find someone else who is doing the challenge and wants to share a blog then it is instantly half the work! First thing then is to say a BIG THANKS to Keri for being brave enough to not only take on the Challenge but also share this blog with me – cheers to you Keri!
At Teacher Training I attempted to keep a diary but gave up at the end of week 1. John has listened to me tirelessly about my super cool highs and my dire straits lows and what is opening and what is aching, and oh – how the heck am I going to get to yoga today! So yes I have shared, but somehow this decision to blog it makes the whole thing seem more real. I find that if I can identify the things that have me spooked then I can start to try to control everything…
Thing 1 – having to control everything.
For this challenge the first thing I am doing is scheduling every day so I know what class fits into my day best. No, I am not kidding! There will be surprises and things are going to change and come up, but if I have a daily plan at least I have somewhere to start. In the fall of 2011 BYW hosted a seminar called Anatomy of a Yogi. I already knew I had control issues but during the seminar was when I really ‘got’ that I was actually a complete control freak. I don’t know exactly when it was – perhaps hanging upside down for the 3000th time in separate leg stretching pose feeling my iron-‐like hamstrings not stretching and hearing at the same time Paul Balch say: “allow your legs to stretch, let go of your need to control” over and over again and
my mind saying “sure – like that is ever going to happen.” What?! Ever is a long time don’t you think? Another point for Boss – my mind is still a bad neighbourhood. My control issues are vast and I want to let go of some of them over the next 30 days – after I write down everything.
Thing 2 – if I write down everything others will see how crazy I am.
Teacher Bettina said something to me last week that I have said myself and heard many times. Eckart Tolle wrote it down for the world to expound on: if other people could hear what you are thinking they would think you are crazy. After 6 years of Bikram Yoga I am well aware of my own craziness. The fact is that the yoga helps me to feel a lot less crazy. I know when I am feeling stressed and my mind is whirling all I have to do is show up for yoga and things are going to improve – and they always do. That is what truly keeps me coming back to class. Zombies have it so much easier. They are already dead and everyone already knows they are crazy. But will my obvious craziness affect the development of my business?
Thing 3 – Self development vs Business development.
We are all busy – this I know. I have pets and a home to take care of. I have children and grandchildren whom I would like to spend time with, I run a yoga studio that’s open every day. I have just made a commitment to commute to work on my bicycle 3 times a week (new love here). For work I teach usually 6 classes and work front desk 4 to 5 shifts a week. I have a husband who would like to see me outside of sweating beside him at yoga. And now I am going to take class every day for 30 days. Why? I don’t need a reason but if I choose to give one up it’s because it’s what I do every January. Daily practice improves me, my attitude, my teaching and my entire life. I also believe that it’s important to walk the walk. How can I really expect others to take this on if I don’t? It is a fact that I will have less time to devote to developing my business – which is also the yoga. I know there is only really one way to solve this particular thing and it is…
Thing 4 – 6am class. (oh boy)
It’s one thing to teach 6am class and all together different to take the class. 6am
yogis inspire me to no end. I have taken 6am class 3 times in 6 years. Not so impressive I know. Teacher Wendy and teacher Laurel love it for some reason and so do many others. When I perused my schedule it became obvious that I will not make it unless I take 6am at least once if not twice a week. That way I can do doubles on those days (btw I love doubles) and stock pile classes. Theoretically by the end of week 1 I will have done 9 classes and have 2 in the bag. I’m pretty sure this is the only way I will be successful with the challenge and still take care of business and family to the level I have become accustom to. Perhaps by the end of this challenge I will develop a fondness for 6am class? I’m open to that. That leaves really just one thing that concerns me…
Thing 5 – my left hip.
The day I signed up for the challenge my left hip started to ache -‐ for real. I wasn’t
really surprised having experienced all sorts of feelings in this area and having sprained my SI joint on this side a few years ago – hello pain that takes my breath away. Back then I could not walk for 3 days and had to wear a belt that looked like an oversized neck brace to keep my left leg tight enough to my torso – not fun. To get to the bathroom I had to hang on to John’s neck and he dragged me there then back to bed again. In spite of this I know without a doubt that my hips and spine were saved by the yoga. I have a spinal deformation and no functioning 5th lumbar vertebrae. It is fair to say that my 4th lumbar vertebrae will be on OT for the rest of my days. So of course it tires, especially when I forget that I am 46 not 26! I need to be extra mindful of my hips and lower spine because there is less space available for my entertainment. I don’t think about this much in everyday life and it’s nothing compared to what some of my students struggle with daily. It doesn’t keep me from doing things I love to do – but when I push myself this area is my litmus strip. It’s my biggest area of concern so it’s no wonder that I hear it communicating prior to the challenge – so to my left hip I say: “stick close to me, keep calm and let’s carry on.”
